


go girl (go girl go girl go)

by stefonzolesky



Series: the mouth of the river is laughing at us [1]
Category: Stand By Me (1986)
Genre: F/M, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 12:57:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20657627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky
Summary: "Don't be weird about it," Chris tells her, worry flashing in his eyes. "I'm not gonna hit on you or anything."God, does she want him to.





	go girl (go girl go girl go)

When Gordie comes out to her parents, they don’t react. Somehow it’s worse than them reacting badly. Her mom ignores her, and her dad pretends that he’s listening, but he isn’t, so she decides to shove her feelings down into her chest and not talk about them anymore.

Bottling things up has always been her go-to solution. She bottles it up so much that after a year passes, she can almost,  _ almost _ forget about it. 

Not quite, though. It all comes back in a wave of disappointment the day that Chris pulls her aside and says, “I think I might be gay.”

It hits her in the chest.

“Oh,” She says.

“Good for you,” She says.

“I’m glad you told me,” She says. 

They stare at each other quietly for a moment, unsure of how to approach any further conversation. 

"Don't be weird about it," Chris tells her, worry flashing in his eyes. "I'm not gonna hit on you or anything."

God, does she want him to.

"I'm not even sure if I'm gay!" He says, brushing a hand through his hair with a nervous laugh. "I just… There's this guy. Just the one. It's stupid, really, but I'd never see another girl again if I could be with him." 

Gordie opens her mouth, but Chris holds up a hand to keep her from speaking.

_ "Don't  _ ask me who. I'm not going to tell you. And don't tell anyone else, okay? This is our secret."

"Of course," Gordie says. "Our secret. Not like we don't have plenty of those." 

But now _ her _ secret is at the front of her mind again. She debates telling Chris right then and there, while they're having this conversation, but decides against it. Why would she sabotage any chance of being with him?

She'd choose him over herself in a heartbeat. She'd choose him over anything.

They don't talk about it anymore. Sometimes Teddy will talk about girls, and Gordie gives Chris this  _ look _ , and Chris looks right back at her. Nobody ever notices.

She starts letting her hair grow out again, like she tried to before her dad made her cut it. She and Chris watch Lucy, and Chris runs his fingers through her hair from where she's sitting on the ground in front of him, right between his legs.

"We could doll you up like Lucy," Chris jokes. "Teddy would have a field day with that, I'm sure of it."

Gordie's own laugh hits the inside of her chest like a full knife.

"You've got the hair to be a pretty gal, anyway."

Gordie bites down on her lip, tugs on the sleeve of Chris' shirt, and says, "Let's just watch the show, alright?"

A few more weeks pass. Gordie takes her shirt off and stands in front of the mirror while Chris is in the bathroom. She takes a moment to look at herself the way everyone else sees her.

Then, Chris appears over her shoulder in the reflection. He steps closer, slowly, and Gordie's breath hitches.

Chris' hands find their way to her waist. Hot air blows on the back of her neck.

"I'm sorry," Chris says, hooking his chin on her shoulder. "You're beautiful."

Gordie is the writer, but Chris has always been the eloquent one.

He takes her silence as rejection. She doesn't move from the mirror, watching him walk out the door.

She picks her shirt up off the ground and thinks about how Chris looked when he called her beautiful. She wishes he would do it again.

Chris avoids her like the plague. It takes another week for her to catch him alone, and when she does, she realizes she's never seen him this ashamed before. Not in all the time they've known each other.

"Chris!" She says, ignoring the way he walks faster to get away from her. She catches his wrist and pulls him into an alley.

"I'm sorry, Gordie, okay?" Chris says. "I wasn't thinking right. I don't need you to explain nothing to me, 'cause I get it. Stupid me, thinking hitting on you would ever be a good idea."

Gordie grabs Chris by the cheeks and kisses him. It's a real first kiss, not like that time in elementary school when a girl in his class kissed him under the jungle gym after explaining that's what parents do. Kissing Chris is a first real, good kiss. 

Almost.

Gordie pulls away.

"Gordie…"

"Chris, I can't."

Chris goes from shell-shocked to infuriated in half a second.

"What, you're gonna… You're gonna kiss me an' then say you can't?" 

Gordie can hear the lump in Chris' throat.

"Make fun of your faggot friend, right? Me and my big old faggot crush on you, right?"

"Chris--"

"Sorry I'm gross like that, sorry you felt bad so you kissed me."

"Chris--"

"Sorry I'm a weirdo creep who, who can't keep his hands to himself--"

"Chris, I'm a girl."

"...what?"

It feels so weird to say it out loud after all this time, and to someone who will actually hear the things she says.

"You said you thought you were gay. I almost told you then, that I… that I felt like a girl. But I didn't, because I didn't want to ruin any chance I had with you. But I'm a girl, Chris. And I'm sorry."

"You're…" 

Chris brings his hands up to touch either side of her face. Then, he smiles.

"Gordie, you're beautiful."


End file.
